Iron Chef America - Battle: Holiday Disaster

Food Network is working overtime parading around their "Talent." As if re-running all the holiday shows from past years isn't painful enough...

Last night we were subjected to a FN All-Star Invasion of Kitchen Stadium of massive proportions in the style of Iron Chef America: Battle Holiday Desserts.

Wait, no it was Battle Sugar.
I guess you can just change the name to Holiday Desserts when the focus groups don't eat up Battle Sugar.

Paula Deen, Iron Chef Cat Cora and sous chef Lori Lynn Bauer v. Chef Tyler Florence, Chef Robert Irvine and sous chef (I believe it was) Andrew. (I'll re-watch the tape and update his name.)

"Let the Battle Begin!"

Some random thoughts...

Paula took no time in showing Cat who was alpha - first jibe was in their sit down intro.

I noticed that Cat and Tyler kept their heads down, working. Wonder if Paula and Robert were the "designated" jokers, or if that just came naturally.

By the time Paula bit Robert's finger, I was ill.

Two words.
Processed. Cheese.
(Are you KIDDING me?)

I enjoyed the Alton's disaccharide diagram of glucose and fructose - H-OH-H-OH-H-OH. Geeky festive fun.

(For extra credit, I think Alton should've drawn the chemical composition of the cheese - he would have needed extra blackboards.)

Poor Alton. He managed to avoid this year's "All-Star Holiday Special" (the one with him in it is a re-run) but still they brought the mountain to Mohammad and joined him in Kitchen Stadium. *Sigh*

I could be wrong...but, I think Paula's throwing the flour at the camera really peeved Alton off. If nothing else, it angered me. First, it wasn't kindergarten. Second, that's a piece of expensive equipment.

Alton appeared speechless (!) at the antics. Hence, the whole, "Kevin, let's you and me get some coffee" comment.

And, that's a shame.
Since AB can wax poetic on the miracles of sugar.
Instead he was relegated to color man for a food fight.

Speaking of fighting, I don't think Lori Lynn, the sous chef, found Paula's comments about her the least amusing. And, I thought the retort Lori Lynn made was to Paula. (But, I could have heard that wrong. Perhaps it was to Robert.)

To be fair, I loved the creativity in Tyler's christening Robert's failed ice cream, Crème Anglaise.

Yeah, Cat and Paula made 7 dishes, but come on.
One dish was slicing open the a huge 12 inch tall loaf of Challa and inserting one inch of cream and strawberries. Wow, stayed up all night for that recipe, eh, gals? Pandering. Instead they should have taken the time to make a nice Jewish dessert. I'm not Jewish, but if I were, I don't think that sticking pink marshmallows (even homemade) in a blue bag would qualify as honoring Hanukkah, either.

I didn't see Cat bother with her customary ouzo shot at the end of the battle. I guess she saves that for real battles.

I was sad for Tyler when his Bouche De Noel flopped flat and he basically served the judges a Boston Creme Pie. He isn't a pastry chef and he was pushed for time. I get that.

Was that a spark I saw between Tyler Florence and judge, Tina Fey? Too bad they are both happily married. Could have saved money on the monogrammed towels.

But, seriously folks...
I really think FN should keep the hilarity out of Kitchen Stadium.
The Giada/RR thing was bad enough.

I really wish they would have saved Battle Sugar for pastry chefs who could do the ingredient justice. It could have been amazing. Instead it was a processed cheese fudge stuck in a sugar-filled shot glass, and a Bouche de No-log.

This was one uninspiring battle.
And, I won't be attempting any of these dishes.
I'm out of Velveeta.